I try to remember why I wanted to come down here. I had images of myself, all favorable. Instead, I am finding myself in a swamp of indecision and loneliness, without purpose or belonging. A terrible feeling when everyone else belongs.
I notice I have been forgetting the code. Not sure if I'd have these feelings of uncertainty if I had remembered the code, the ellipse. Certain things do help, besides the code. Keeping busy--studying, reading, etc. Music. And of course friends, acquaintances. Nothing makes you belong like friends. But they are always gone the next day.
More and more this seems like an exercise in cosmopolitanism. An exercise in starting over every day. The people who were here yesterday are gone today. There is no nestling-in, no getting comfortable. The newness is constantly pushing against any sense of comfort you might chance upon.
I think of the Jersey shore mostly. The seagull calls, the salt air, etc. "Jersey Girl" by Bruce Springsteen.
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